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Q - How do you know if an accountant is an extrovert or introvert?
A - An extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you, an introvert looks at their shoes when talking to you.
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A man is walking into a hospital and notices two doctors on their hands and knees in a flower bed. He asked the doctors is he can help them look for whatever they are looking for. He figures that if doctors are looking for something in the flower bed it must be pretty important. The doctors decline the fellow's help and said that they were about to do a heart transplant on an Auditor and they were just looking for a suitable stone.
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Q - How can you tell the difference between a dead accountant lying in the road, and a dead deer lying in the road?
A - The dead deer has skid marks in front of it.
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Following a shipwreck, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant are adrift on a raft. In the distance, they see an island. The engineer, using his technical skills and knowledge of physics, ties himself to the raft using a rope. He dives into the water and swims towards the island pulling the raft behind him. Sharks attack. The lawyer and the accountant barely manage to save him.
Next, the lawyer dives in planning to use his golden tongue as well as speedy footwork to get the castaways to the island. At once, the sharks attack and the accountant saves him.
Finally, the accountant dives into the water not even bothering with the rope. The sharks sweep in, but instead of attacking the accountant, they push the raft to the island. The engineer and lawyer are amazed. "How did you do that?" they ask. "Professional etiquette," the accountant replies.
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Q - When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A - When he realises he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.
"What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter.
- "Auditor," is the reply.
- "Name?" He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.
- "Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St Peter.
- "How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty "
- "No, that's impossible."
- "Why do you say that?"
- "Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three."
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Q – What is a Budget?
A - An orderly system for living beyond your means.
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Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that €50 I owe you."
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Q - Why do audit firms only have 10 minute coffee breaks?
A - If the breaks were longer, they'd have to retrain all the staff.
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Q - How does a kinky accountant do his accounting?
A - On satin balance sheets.
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